Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Meroyan

I like to think of what I would love to do for a living whenever I'm on my own. It's like an addiction for the past 6 years. Somehow I kept having this vision of being surrounded by kids. Kids ranging from 3 - 12 years old. Kids 3-5 years especially. It feels cheesy to dream about becoming a teacher. Nobody in the X-generation dream of becoming a teacher coz it's just not cool. And to be involved with kids? Lotsa kids? Or is it the biological clock knocking?

Instead of doing the permanent head damage I am now thinking of doing a graduate diploma for a year so I can become a registered teacher. The truth is that I am not keen on this permanent head damage thingy no matter how much I tell myself that it'll do good to my resume and career path. When you really think about it, it doesn't really makes sense to be doing something that you don't love, does it? Why would I wanna torture myself into doing something that I loathe just coz it sounds good on paper? But if I do take that path, what would happen when I get back? Would it be valid for me to teach back home? What would the pay be like? Would I have to start from the beginning like fresh graduates do? There's a huge possibility there, I think. But if I can't than do I have to start looking for office jobs again coz I know I'd hate to do that. I guess if I were to go home anytime soon than the best path is to stick to the initial plan, but that wouldn't make me happy in the long run, would it?

And it makes it a lot harder with the fact that I'm beginning to like this place and having thoughts of making it home. Low crime rate, low traffic, less stress, more quality time - perfect place to raise a family. But that would break mom's heart. Period. It's a battle between doing something that you want and doing something that your love ones want and it drives me crazy whenever I think about it.

I once dreamt of running a small cafe with wooden interiors all over. Wooden chairs, wooden table, wooden counter top, wooden shelves and wooden everything. Yellow lighting. That would go well with my wooden floor. And I'd serve people good quality food which I cook from my heart. Yeah yeah laugh your heart out ;p When I was in Reading I used to help out a friend who owns a cafe a couple of times and guess what, I changed my mind after doing that. Just like that. Poofff. It doesn't work like what I had in mind. It was waking up at 6 in the morning to open at 11 and going back at midnight when it closes at 6. And that wasn't even a proper cafe with in-house dining, it was a take-away cafe which serves food from the freezer. What if the same thing happen this time around? What if I spend a year in graduate school, and spend all the moolah, and end up not liking the job?

When I started working I used to have this particular question running in my head. I kept thinking about the purpose of life and it drove me crazy every single time. I had a decent job, a decent pay, fabulous friends and I was seeing someone. I was not bad for a 22 year old yet felt something was missing. It felt wrong to be getting up in the morning day in day out, dragging yourself to work, come back home, watch telly and doze off - the cycle continues. Is that it? Is that life? Have I got nothing to offer apart from spending and doing everything for myself? I think I used to drive my friends crazy whenever I brought this up coz to them life was OK, not fabulous but OK and they just don't get where I come from and why I felt that way. And I don't get how they can be so content with what they do and have. I wanted to travel, I wanted to see the world but there was not much to spare. I thought that maybe, just maybe if I get to see more of the world I'd finally get the idea of what I really want in life. And there comes the scholarship and it was like a dream come true. I get to see more of the world but it left me for longing for more.

Maybe I am spoilt in a way that I want everything, and the fact that I need to have all the parts working. Partner wise, family wise, friends and career. I don't see how people can be content having just one. I disagree with the way some people stay away from their friends and what they love doing when they settle down. Having a partner completes you, I agree. But I believe that you still need to have the other 3 to be completely happy and content. I see many women crumbling down when they have issues with their partner coz they just don't see their lives in portions. And the fact that they don't have the other portions working because they are so into the relationship they would just simply abandoned everything else and work on the one portion that they think matters the most. I crumbled once too, I believe everyone has at one point or another, else you didn't do much living or had much love. But I try not to sabotage the other 3 portions that makes life beautiful.

When I was a lot younger I thought I'd had it all figure out by this time but nope, that didn't happen. Bohooo. But I do know that I have a lot to be thankful for. I don't know what got into me to be thinking of this right now, probably the fact that I have too much time to kill. It drives me crazy to not having to work and I'd never thought that I'd feel this way coz I loathe my previous job and I hated the rat race. Period.

I hope one fine day I'll find what it is that I love doing so I can say to myself that hey! this is it! this is me doing what I love to do, day in day out coz you know what - life is short and it's not worth wasting it at something you loathe.

1 comment:

ennie said...

i agree wif u, dear. doing sumting we really into it. perhaps finally we'll find a life worth living.