Deeper conversation

Is your favorite color blue?
Do you always tell the truth?
Do you believe in outer space?
And I'm learning you

Is your skin as tanned as mine?
Does your hair flow sideways?
Did someone took a portion of your heart?
And I'm learning you

And if you don't mind
Can you tell me
All your hopes and fears
And Everything that you believe in
Would you make a difference in the world
I'd love for you to take me to a deeper conversation
Only you can make me

I let my guard down for you
And in time you will too

They say life is not the amount of breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away

You showed me the little teddy and that almost got me into a fit. I didn't recognize it at first - not because I wasn't paying attention but because I didn't expect it to still be there. It never crossed my mind that you'd keep it this long and brought it with you across the Indian ocean. It still looks the same only that it doesn't have the tiny chocolate pouch on its tummy anymore coz you ate them all. Instead, it was holding some sort of flower that you got from an old lady who was selling it for charity. You were laughing when you told me about it probably because you think it's just plain silly. But I never thought about it that way - I know you didn't feel like buying but you just couldn't resist helping an old lady on the street could ya? That made my heart blossomed and I pray to God that you'd stay this way forever.

So I grabbed my little bull and shoved it to you. I wanted you to know that I too, still have it close to me. Sometimes I sleep with it in my arms. And when you asked me his name I broke down and cry.

I didn't mean too.

I'm sorry.


You showed me around and told me that you've gotten yourself a silky blanket and it made me wonder if the material makes you cold but you said no. Good, that ought to keep you warm at night. And you showed me the portable air-conditioner that keeps you cool during summer. I saw your so-called wardrobe where you've gotten all your clothes nicely hung. It doesn't look like you shop much. Or probably you have others stacked nicely somewhere in the room. Always a neat you are, I know.

It was funny seeing you putting that helmet on. It felt like nothing had changed. It felt like the good old days where we used to laze around and make good fun of each other, where you told me about your days and I told you about mine. Take good care on the road will ya? Promise I won't tell your mom.

I'm glad you got all your money back. I hope the market will do you good this year and the upcoming year as well. It was good hearing you laughed when I told you that I lost my only potential client due to procrastination. And that I still keep everything in a bond simply coz I'm a chicken. He he.

It was a very nice chat indeed but I was on the verge of breaking down again so I said so long. Good bye. Till next time. Adios.

p/s: I'm ok and will be ok. You take care ok best buddie?

More love notes

I think I shall turn this blog into our virtual love nest where I can spill everything that is in my head. This is kinda crazy you know because it kinda look like I am living my life in the past but then again I am pretty much happy with the past and if the past keeps me happy then so be it aye?

I remember seeing you the first time in that small room with the rest of the crowd and sorry to say baby you were off no significance to me. You were just another bloke nothing better than the rest. I never really took notice in you until a few weeks later when I saw you looking all nice in your S size maroon t-shirt and your grey corduroy, very stylish and strong with your spiky hair and that noticeable biceps on your arms. And I said to myself, Geez, what a lost. The guy must be gay.

From time to time I would let out small giggles when I think of how everything fell into places between us as we are off different world that it was almost crazy that we actually hanged out. But hey they say opposites attract so probably that was what happened back then aye? If I am not mistaken I remember you telling me once that you fell for me for my bubbly-ness and my contagious laughter perhaps? And I fell for you for your big heart and principles. I have never met someone quite like you before.

It took us sometime to hit it off owing to the fact that we see each other every single day. I remember how you would wait up for me so we could walk together everywhere. I remember how jealous you were of AD especially because you think he liked me. Ohh remember that
exact moment when MA came over and massaged you on your back? That got us both spooked! He he.

I am smiling right this very moment reminiscing all those precious moments spent with you. You made it all more colorful and worthwhile, such wonderful memories that left me with this sense of exhilaration whenever I am reminded of them. I am so glad that you were part of it all for it would not have been what it was were you not around. Such wonderful time it was, indeed.

...

I kinda miss you today so here I am writing you a smoochy love note to get the feeling off my chest. I was looking through your profile and that picture of you standing in front of the huge Alcatraz reminded me of the good times we had merely some time ago. That had me smiling for a while looking at your once spunky short hair that I oh loved so dearly. I remember how close we were and how much I like being around you and you around me.

I remember how cool it was when you came over night after night to have dinner with my family. That made me fell even more for you and I remember thinking oh what a cool guy you were with such cool attitude. I remember how cute you were trying to convince my mom that I was a good cook and how my mom went ha ha thinking this guy must have been crazy to have said that about my daughter. Ohh how he must have been head over heels with her he he. And I remember how you went crazy every single night taking care of the dishes and my mom would go whispering to me on how long it took you to finish the chores. And I told my mom yeah he is like that mother he does everything in detail and he does everything good.

My mom and dad loved you dearly and I remember them saying how cool it would be if only you were a Muslim. Being a good person that you were they were pretty much sure that you would be one of those granted Heaven by Allah during the After Life. You might go ha ha when you read this dear but then again I am just sharing with you their inner thoughts. Not that it matter that you were not a Muslim but then again I guess things would have been different if you were one. I remember her saying what a gentleman you were and how you have got everything figured out since you seemed to have the solution to everything. But no you did not have a solution for us. Well can't blame you as I did not have a solution for us either.

I think you know how I am pretty much disappointed with how things finally turned out. I guess me being me I was hoping for some sort of miracle where you would leave everything just to be with me just like in the movies y'know? But life ain't no movie so here we are trying to sort all this mess that we had created ourselves. But don't worry baby I know this is killing you as much as it is killing me for things to have turned out this way. I know it kills you to not being able to be the person that I want you to be and for breaking my heart but then again darling you have got your own life, hopes and dreams and I can totally understand that really, even when I go ballistic over you from time to time.

Sometimes it made me wonder if your life experience has got anything to do with all of this. I never brought this up darling because I was afraid it would upset you but then again the question has been going over and over my head for the trillionth time. Do not ever think that you will turn out to be bad because I can bet you my life you will not because you are too good of a man.

I know I have said this before but I will say it again. I am glad our path crossed and I am honored to be given a chance to know someone as special as you are. People say you might be one person to the world but you might be the world to one person, well that person is me. You will always have a special place in my heart and I am sure I will be too in yours.

I wish you well and I wish that this life becomes all you ever wanted. I wish for us to be friends forever. I wish for all the happiness in the world because you deserve it baby.

The Rate Race

I am not the type who is able to sit still. Put me in a routine for a month, and I'll fidget like crazy!

This 9-5 thingy is not working for me. I long to be outside, I long for the flexibility, I long for the ability to work at my own pace, whenever I want, wherever I want!

I love (cute & intelligent) kids, and I love being around them. I love the idea of painting their lives with positive values. And I love the idea of having a positive impact on a child. I, however, do not think I have the patience for those with learning disabilities nor those hyperactive-throwing-tantrum kids! (me being very honest here!)

I wish to have a book published. I wish to be able to write. I wish to have that story-teller ability, to have that flair for writing, to put a smile on people's faces, to have an impression to my readers. Big dream bohoooo!

I am still looking for that dream job. The job which allows me to wake up with a smile in the morning, to have the exuberance of getting to the work place, the one with the fulfilled and accomplished feelings at the end of the day.

I anticipate for the day when I'll finally figure it out.

Ideas anyone?

Mummy's Words of Wisdom

We fought over some silly matter - well, silly to her, at least.

I needed her consent over this silly mission,  and she flatly turned me down.

I got upset, and said some things which shouldn't have been said in the first place. 

She sent me a text message which left me rather dumbstruck, and rather embarrassed that I had to play truce. (Darn, why must she be so damn smart?)

What she said was...  

"Let me tell you what you have. You're intelligent, beautiful, healthy, surrounded by people who love you, a good job...kene bersyukur dengan apa yang ada dan selalu berdoa"

Thank you mummy for these wise words. I'll just post it here as a reminder to myself. 

I love you.

Old Entry

I was tidying up my blog and came across an entry which was still in draft and never got posted. I wrote it a year ago, somewhere in February I think, while struggling with my thesis.

I could not really remember why I got stuck into finishing this particular entry. Maybe I was having one of those writer's block halfway through. Heck, maybe I just got lazy.

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"It was a short 20 minutes ride from school after an early morning meeting with the supervisor. I was all alone in the bus, feeling bored and looking out through the window, hoping to catch a glimpse of anything interesting in the hope of amusing myself. I saw people going about their lives, hurrying to an unknown destination or simply enjoying the walk with their loved ones or errr, loved dogs. I saw bits of flowers here and there, blooming from the lifeless trees, indicating that a new season is coming.

To be honest I have always been expecting something different from these people, a different kind of life in this part of the world where life is said to be good and prosperous. Much to my disappointment, I see people doing the same thing everywhere I go. It doesn't matter where you are. You could be in london, paris or KL, people would still be doing the normal day to day stuff - they go to school, they work, do groceries, do the dishes, play with the kids, go out for the so called teh tarik session blah blah. I laugh at myself from time to time, thinking of how much expectation I had prior to coming here, just to see life so similar to what I had in my own country?? Haha what a joke!

But I do believe that I am somehow seeing things a bit differently now. Some in good, while others in a little bit of a distorted point of view, perhaps. It amazes me to see how many people back home are still blindly fooled by the mainstream media which are obviously controlled by the powers-that-be, while the oppositions are given zero access to it. It sickens me to see what sort of fool the current ruling party think of the people, or how investigations either get swept under the carpet or goes round and round, turning away from the actual issue.

It's also funny to think of how the Malays are so taksub with the believe that we are the race with the most budi bahasa. And how the West are poisoning the minds of our young ones with their lifestyle, culture and what not. Sape kata mat saleh takde budi bahasa?"
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Reading through this particular entry reminded me of the exact feeling I had on that bus.

Reading through this entry reminded me of how frustrated I was with the Malaysian politics, the grievance felt to the fate of my beloved country, not forgetting the complaint session with DCM!
(Thanks for being a great listener! :D)

Most importantly, reading through this entry reminded me of my old self.

I like my old self.

But I don't quite like the person I am turning into.

But heck, it's not too late to turn back time!